Stowe Boyd

Form Letter Template For Acquired Startups

By panicsteve via Github

Dear soon-to-be-former user,

We’ve got some fantastic news! Well, it’s great news for us anyway. You, on
the other hand, are fucked.

We’ve just been acquired by:

[ ] Facebook
[ ] Google
[ ] Twitter
[ ] Other: _________________

As you are aware, we’ve always provided a free service, and have never even
tried offering a for-pay option. This means we’ve never had any income and
have been operating at a loss for our entire existence. Since any schoolchild
can see this is unsustainable, it should have been more-or-less obvious to you
from the get-go that we were either going to crap up the site with ads at a
few cents per-click, or that we’ve always intended to be an acquisition target.
You can do the math on that one.

Your personal data which, until just now, was critical to our core business
will be deleted:

[ ] Immediately
[ ] Within a week
[ ] Within 30 days

We are excited to continue our core mission of connecting people with
solutions at our new home. Please realize that this is so vague a statement
as to be completely meaningless. But we just made so much money that at the
moment we genuinely believe this horseshit. In reality, you will never hear
about us or anything we create ever again. We are probably going to end up,
like, implementing a new scrollbar for Google Reader or something.

Thanks so much for making our business so valuable and enticing to a much
larger company with more money than sense.

Now grab your data while you still can and get out of here,

Shiny happy Shit.ly management ninjas
Connecting people with solutions
“Shit.ly loves you!”